Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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