My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
