My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
