I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
