I think my fart just growled at me.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
