That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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