you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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