I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
