my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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