I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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