the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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