Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
