She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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