you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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