did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
