We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
