Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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