just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
