Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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