Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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