What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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