I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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