for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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