Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
