Where did you get a picture of my penis
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
