i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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