I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
