it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
