Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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