I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
