he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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