I cannot find my penis.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize