ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize