he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
is that a dick in a sweater?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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