If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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