Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
