I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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