if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
