I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
