I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ttyl tear gas
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
