do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
