He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
