I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
