how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
