I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
3 2 1 whiskey
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
