I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
