my phone needs a breathalizer
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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