I think I won the penis lottery.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
