Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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