sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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