The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
