Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
