Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize