I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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