Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You pole danced in your parka.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
