the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize