when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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