I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
