I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
