when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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